Missing Half

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, does not exist anymore… Dead… in an accident, at child-birth… aborted?!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to carry on knowing that I am half-built… never to be whole… for the rest of my next 60 odd years… maybe more?

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, is a fool, or ill, or unwell, or lying unconscious somewhere?

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to live out the rest of my life knowing that the one I am meant to be with is too preoccupied with unthinking thoughts of me?

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, is already engaged to someone else… Married… in a relationship… with a man… is now a monk!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to go on knowing that my “the-one”, chose differently, someone that was not meant to be… someone that is not me.

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, does not exist… never meant to be… never was… never will be!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Perhaps I shall make peace with the idea that I am, was and will always be complete. I was never waiting really… just hoping… to live out my life… in the company of one other complete person, just like me.


Where Am I?

Been running inside the tunnel for ages now. So freakishly dark. No idea where I am. Barely any light. I am tired. I am… not sure… something… thirsty? My lips are cracked. My tongue feels like a cotton ball inside my mouth. And no water here. What happened? I cannot remember. Was I attacked? Who am I? What am I doing here? I am… running.

Just keep running. Don’t stop.

Supply check. Shoes, worn out a bit. But still in walking/ running condition. Why do I keep running? Why can’t I just walk? Save energy? What am I trying to run away from? Why is it so dark?


Shoes? Check. Ruck sack. None.

But I seem to have this notebook in my hands. Was it always there? Why on earth am I running with a notebook in my hands? Whose notebook is it? It’s a drawing pad. Are these my drawings? No way. I do not draw like that? These are drawings of rocks. Smooth rocks. Well, some anatomical drawings as well. Hands, ears… Who do these belong to? Do I know them?

Clothes, don’t look like mine. I do not wear vests. And it’s dark. Why do I not have anything reflective on? Who wears khakis in the dark? Why am I here? Where IS here?

Look around. What do you see?

I see… dark.

Why can’t I tell when I started running? What was I doing before that? I am sweating. So at least 30 minutes.

Stop. Look around.

Tunnels. Tunnels upon tunnels. Some of them have graffiti. Something that looks like… SEP? That’s it, SEP. Sep?!


Guy called Sep?

Tunnel dug in September?

I do not know. And some have drawings. Same drawings like in the Notepad. Where is the Notepad? Have I dropped it? Did I imagine it? I just had a drawing Notepad. Just now. I saw it. I turned the pages. It was in my left, no wait, right hand. I was running. I have not dropped anything. That I can recall. But the Notepad is gone now. Why am I still running? Getting seriously tired now.

What’s that sound?


Did I stop running just now. Standing still with my eyes closed. Breathing. Have I stopped. No, I am still running. My eyes are open. Did I just imagine that moment’s relief?

SEP. SEP. SEF. SEF tunnels getting fewer.

More drawings.

Is there a light? No logical visible source of light anywhere. Where am I running to? Where have I run from? Why am I finishing sentences with prepositions? I am so so tired. How long have I been running for? I am sweating. Must have been at least 30 minutes.

That sound? There. Again.

Where is it coming from? Rumbling?

Maybe a crane? A waterfall? Landslide! Oh my god. What is that? I don’t know. I don’t know! I don’t know anything anymore. I have to keep running. I cannot stop.

Where do you live?

Where do I live? In a house. House has a fireplace. And bears. Bears? I live in a house with bears?! What?! Nothing’s making any sense anymore. I live in a house. A house. A house with wall holes and light screens. There is green on the light screen.

What’s a light screen?

It’s a square, that has light coming through. It lets light come through. The light is warm. There is green on it. The square has green on it. I don’t know. What am I saying? My hair is dripping sweat.

My head hurts. Please. Please! Can I please stop running now? Can you hear me? Anyone? Please? I want to stop running now? Please. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired. And my… my… this thing… what’s the name? This thing in the middle of me… this hurts. And I do not remember it’s name. And I am scared. And this thing. It hurts so much. I am tired. So tired. And I am scared. Please. Anybody? ANYBODY!

Drawings on the wall. So many drawings. Of these.


Yes, drawings of hands with stones on them. Smooth and polished stones. I am looking for the letters. No more SEF anywhere. No more SEF. I am tired. I am scared. I am cold. Why am I cold? I have clothes. Time for another supply check.

Shoes, badly worn. Been running for so long. How long has it been since I have been running? Why am I running? What’s there? Where am I? Where is here? How did I get here? I have sweat on my face. I am tired. Must be at least 30 minutes since I have been running.

Didn’t you already say that before?

That loud noise! I am shivering.

You are cold.

I am scared.

Clothes, jeans and a thin T-shirt. Why do I not have a jacket? Did I have a jacket? Was there a vest? I thought… what are khakis? Such a strange word. Khakis. Makes me smile. Kha-kiss! Ha! Funny word.

You are going mad.

I am tired. I am thirsty. I am cold. I am scared. I am going mad.

Sound. What’s that sound? It’s so noisy now. Am I getting closer? Is it the end of the tunnel? Noise is so loud. Should I be scared? Why am I running towards the noise? I should go back.

Go back. Away from the noise. To the quiet. Stop running towards the noise. Stop. STOP!

I can’t. Why am I running? So many tunnels. Tunnels with finger things and hearing things drawn all over the walls. This is not the way. I should not be here. Drawings with stones. Who made these drawings? How did they get here? I cannot breathe. I am scared. And tired. My… my… It hurts. And something is hurting it. Stopping me from breathing. Like in the middle of me, there is something wanting out or in or just telling me to stop running. But I can’t. How long have I been running for? I am sweating. That noise. I can’t. My head hurts. So much noise. I am running. Holding my head between my hands or it might explode. I can’t. I am crying. Just running past tunnels with drawings of floating ears and fingers and ears and fingers. I want to be back by the SEF tunnels. Stop the noise.

Oh god, the floor has stopped. And I am falling. I am falling! I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I have no mouth. I can’t scream. I can’t scream!!

Ugh… Bloody alarm clock! 5:55.

Damn it… slept funny… Ouch! And now my legs are cramping… Time to wake up.

There is a reason I prefer insomnia.

Unicorns Feel Sad-Pain too

Once upon a time, in the green-grey forest, a golden unicorn was sitting by the side of black-river. The unicorn had a lot of sad-pain, and decided, the green-grey forest air was causing the sad-pain to grow. The only way to cure the sad-pain, he believed, was to go up black-river… to the other-side, and never come back again. Black-river heals all, unicorn thought. Unicorn went up to his friend, rough-rhino and said, “My dear and closest friend, brother-rough-rhino, I have sad-pain. And it keeps growing. The only way to cure it seems to be, leaving the green-grey forest and going across black-river to never come back. I hope you will miss me once I am gone.”

Rough-rhino thoughtfully looked at his friend and said, “My dear friend, unicorn, if you go across black-river, the only one that will be missing, is you. Once you leave the green-grey forest, slowly, each day, one by one, everyone in the green-grey forest will forget you. Even me, your closest brother-friend. Life in the green-grey forest will keep moving on without you. And what are the chances black-river will take away the sad-pain? No one really knows if black-river truly heals!”

After another moment, rough-rhino added, “How about this instead? Don’t go across black-river. Stay in the green-grey forest. Live with me. And talk to me. Every day. Just that.”

So unicorn decided to stay. And each day, unicorn and rhino would talk. And their words would eat up some of the sad-pain inside unicorn, rise up into the air and burst like so many rainbow coloured bubbles.

Stay with me. And talk to me. Just that.