Tripping around Spain… (Day 1 and 2)

Day 1

Ah! Holiday. Will utilize time to learn about  people, food, culture, self and try, as a back up option to find a man  to appease mum (who has started fearing I shall be barren before I find Mr. Right).

Slight panic in the morning as alarm decided to not ring at 4:01am, as  planned. Woke up at 4:45 instead. Yelled at Philip for standing in front of loo (who promptly ran away to hide inside his room). And then somehow by 5am, managed to leg it in my sleeping shirt. Oh well! I have mad hair, no make up and wearing my pyjamas. But atleast no one is looking. Or atleast, I am hoping no one is looking! Will quickly nip down to the loo at Gatwick and no one will be the wiser. Oh yeah! Go me!

6:15am

Or not… as have no wish to change in the presence of the floaters at  Gatwick restrooms! Major eurgh moment. Will just try to tame hair.

6:30am

And now… will give up,  as this is completely hopeless.

6:45am

Oooo… Free seating on the plane. Will probably get to sit next to  gorgeous, lovely young man who will fall instantly and hopelessly in love with me and we will get married in Hawaii and have beautiful little mixed breed children and live in Bali and drive ethnic eco- friendly locomotive to the beach! Fabulous!

Bollocks… Looking around… not a good crop at all. No…

Bald. Nope.

Fat. Nada.

Drooling. Yeah right!

Eurgh… Hairy belly button peeping out! No way!

Ai Caramba! Sitting on 15A, next to the window, with two free seats  right next to him, the Future Father of my Children! Church organs in my head! Ha…llelujah!! Gorgeous. Tall.  Blue eyed. Blond. With a slightly vapid-look about him. American!!! Perfect! Will go sit next to him and start impending holiday romance and turn it into life-time of togetherness.

Oh crap! Why did  I have to eat that extra piece of chocolate? Can barely fit bum into the middle seat. Double crap!

It’s ok… I will sit on the aisle seat, and have enough room for witty and meaningful conversation.

Awww… Softly snoring! How cute!! The love of my life… Hmmm…

Random pretty girl- stranger smile. Smile right back! Sweet girl walking past.

What the hell?! Random sweet girl-stranger trying to sqidge non existent bum between self and future life partner. Stupid stick insect, trying to ruin my plans of riding own Tuk-Tuk in Bali. As this flight and the flightful of total strangers are witness, I… Won’t… Let… This… Happen!

Gaaaahh!!! Stupid stick insect kissed Future Father of my Children. What a bitch! Can’t believe this! I am right next to him and the bastard is cheating on me right before my very eyes! Stupid balding git. Horrible ugly cow! They have probably been at it all this time, without me ever knowing! Can’t deal. Massive heartbreak. Dreams of mixed breed children just soundlessly burst in cartoon style bubbles! Think I will sleep now. Singularly sad times.

10:30 (local time)

Ah! Malaga! Hola!

Oh good lord! The sun! I am wearing a T-shirt and jeans! Bloody awesome! Can’t believe chickened out of bringing swim suit. Stupid Purbasha (must stop watching America’s next top model, so can stop endlessly obsessing over body fat content and be unfazedly half naked at the beach before complete strangers at 15 degrees temperature).

Looking around the bus. Oooo… Nope. No one worth obsessing over. Great! Can now go back to enjoying the sun and the view.

Shit! Lost!! Got off one stop too early. Can’t believe left the map on the printer.

Epiphany! 23 degrees. I am stripped to my vest top. Christmas decorations everywhere… still. And live music on the street. I am in heaven!!

Crap! Bloody heat’s trying to killing me! I am in hell! I am foreign… Get me outta here! Where the hell is the door to this damn place?!

Hostel! Phew! Oh thank god. I think I found it. All´s well.

Pretty room. Nice.

Shared loo. Mini-eurgh!

3pm

This is great. Sitting by the square (Plaza de la Constitucion). Staring at lovely uniformed Spanish cops who do not speak a word of English. And old man, with one foot in the grave is trying to kill me with his cigarette smoke. I, am a true traveller!

Sitting in my new favorite space in the whole world that is not my left hand cushion of the couch! Palm trees! Are you kidding me?! I have palm trees in front and a fort behind. I am finally doing the culture I planned to do! Whee… Go me!

7pm

Had forgotten how lovely it is to be stared at inappropriately by male- strangers. Bloody Britain. No body gives a second glance if dancing naked in the middle of the street on Oxford Circus. Lovely wonderful Spain. Men staring simultaneously at boobs and butt and winking lecherously. 33… and still got it! Oh yeah!

9pm

Dinner time. Oooo… Cute hosteliites flocking around the exotic creature that I am. Can barely pronounce their names but someone called Pablo just blew me a Baci. They think I am 19. No need to tell them the truth and break their little hearts, right?!

Tired!

10pm

Bed-time. Hmmm… Fabulous.

10:45

At a discotheque with a bunch of college students from the hostel. Drinking Mojitos. Can barely hear what Pablo is saying. DJ’s  playing Toxic. Cool! I know this song. Will dance to stop screaming and turning hoarse again. Feel so young and alive! This is amazing. This… is life!

11:30pm

Next club. Oh yeah!

12:05

Next. Bring it on…

12:15.

Shit! I am too old for this. I am dying. I want my bed.

 

Day 2:

9am

Kill me. Please.

10am

Showered. Broken fast with bread and tomato purée (?!?). 3 cups of coffee to stop head spinning (and now stomach’s churning). Off to view cathedral.

Wow! Massive cathedral. For €5 per tourist, you would expect better lighting than this! High arches with crosses all over. Massive frescoed pillars. Gorgeous stained glass windows detailing every form  of medieval torture. Nice… Every third image seems to carrying a warning machette. Even never-ever-done-it-with-a-man Mary is carrying something that looks like the device I wish to use on most of my ex- boyfriends!

Even the cherubs seem to be waiting the day when they can get out of  their fish-netted cocoons and jump to their imminent death along with  the demise of the poor bugger standing right underneath! Shivers!

Need food. Oooo… suited beggar! Lovely tie

Cute ear-rings.

Shit rain! Can’t believe left umbrella at home. Should be illegal for it to rain when on holiday. Wonder if there is clause in  insurance paper for rain-devastated hair!

1:00pm

Change of hostel. Casa Mata! Cannot believe I left my beloved young-people´s hostel for this. Oh well! As long as I do not find body fluid remnants…  But alas…!

Met up with Philip. Philip, my – slightly harassed, constantly suffering from acid- reflux, and majorly worried about work people who never seem to be working quite up to his expectations – travelling companion. Hunger and Philip do not go too well. And when I too am hungry, it’s a lethal combination. Sarcasm flows like free-wine. And eye contact is strictly avoided at all times!

Great! 1 hour after his landing in the country and we are already  having cheesy chips, donut, latte and English muffins. I could shake that boy. Ouch! Still sore from last night. Will shake him later. Must keep eating chips.

Still hungry! Ditched travelling companion and off for my piece of Spain. Back to the cafe. Churros calling!

Sharing table with someone who’s name sounds like Paulo from Granada. Was flirty and said that I was going back home with him on Sunday. Pat came flirt back – he was very excited about that. Yayyy!! Trip’s back on track!

Uh oh! Problemo! Have just got barely €6 and damned place doesn’t accept cards. Shit! Paulo left. What a bastard! Hate students. Shit! Help! Stupid foreign cafe! Stupid foreign notice, “Do not accept credit cards under €200 to 500”. Are you kidding me?! Who has €500 worth of coffee?I am too pretty to be in foreign prison. Have you seen these women?

Crap! Still raining like mental. Should have left for Seville this morning.

Bill €5.15. All is well with world again.

Off to hostel to take short shower and long nap before dinner. Nice hostel keeper, David, made lovely cup of tea. Yayyy! Will keep updated on other happenings tomorrow.

Buenos noches!

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Tripping around Spain… (Day 4)

Lovely… Last day of fun and frolic. Slightly organised, controlled and planned adventure for today. Just the way I like it. Nothing can go wrong today! Perfect!!

Phew… Caught bus just in time. Must take friend´s advice and join the gym as wheezing slightly in the manner of 85 year old asthamatic. It´s ok… No more excitement for the day. Everything will be worked out in calm, cool and organised manner.

Oooo… Philip! Great! He looks pissed. Shit! Was supposed to meet him for breakfast 40 minutes ago. Oh well… Have slightly squashed Snickers bar in the purse. Will give it to him as apology/breakfast present. Doesn´t want it. Great! I am starving!!

Lovely scenary. Not a pretty face in sight. What a drag! Will sleep.

10:45am
Grenada. Lady at the Information desk has run out of maps! Will steal a secret glance of somebody else´s open map and head for town centre for amazing day full of sights and culture.

Yes… Burger King! 4 slightly burnt chicken wings later, ready for some triple-scooped ice cream at Haagen Dazs.

Had amusing conversation on the way, with man in shop who tried to sell ear-rings made in India. Hmmm…

And now, finally off to Alhambra. Lovely Philip´s in charge of tickets for entering. And Lovely Philip´s done everything online. Fabulous!

Shit! That´s just the booking reservation. Bloody Philip was supposed to have come here 1 hour ago and “buy” the tickets at the counter. Have decided to completely ignore the fact that spent 45 minutes at Haagen Dazs counter to order perfect Sundae as I really don´t feel like thinking about it! Ticket counter about 400 m away (seems more like a mile!). Mini running and panting again.

Tickets in hand. Made it back to building on time (which seemed to have decidedly moved farther away while we were off buying tickets). Purbasha and Lovely Philip (are not trying to give each other death stares anymore) and are back to being friends again.

2:30pm
Really hungry now. Snickers bar, 4 chicken wings, triple chocolate sundae, 2 bottles of juice, a cup of chocolate and a few iffy pieces of candy that I found at the bottom of my bag seem to have all been digested.

Will text Danish knight in shiny raincoat and see what he is upto.

2:35pm
Oooo…. Danish knight calling. Perfect. Will meet for coffee with wonderful man from Denmark (as I now know) at 4pm and will retire in the lovely suburbs of Grenada.

Lovely Philip has agreed to go away for important work (drinking bad coffee at Burger King and reading newpaper) for 1 hour while I plan a life-time of togetherness with shiny knight! Yayyy me!

3:45pm
Slightly late as spent far too long dawdling over pretty foreign looking walls and planning for murder in the palace pool (¨sleeping with the fishes¨ jokes ensued).

3:55pm
Accidentally chucked away both maps into the bin. However, Lovely Philip just claimed to know the route perfectly. So no worries. Everything will go great. Will arrive elegantly late by about 5 or 10 minutes and give sexy, cheeky grin and make shiny knight fall head over heels in love with me. Brilliant!

4:10pm
Bloody Philip! Been walking for 25 minutes and nowhere close to being at appointed spot. Will take a moment to compose self as no point lashing out blame. So prompty yelled at Philip and told him to go back to Gatwick as that seemed like the most intelligent solution.

Will now text shiny knight to cancel. Feel devastated.

Oooo… Shiny knight calling. Perfect. Gave location in foreign accent.

He is coming up the hill to pick me up! Yayyy! Wonderful wonderful shiny knight. All anger has been forgotten. But still pouting to maintain atmosphere. Philip is off to the Cathedral. Wish him luck. He wishes back I would start making my way back to bus station by 6pm. No worries.

Everything will be just perfect from this point onwards.

4:30pm
Oooo… Shiny knight coming up the hill while I wait, up in my castle (more like a bus stand on a slope… but, whatever).

4:35pm
Decide to take a stroll around town. Wonderful, romantic, live music playing next to the river. This is a dream! He is so wonderful. He is so intelligent. He knows everything. Must be a doctor of some kind. Nope… must be a professor. Nope… looks very gentle and kind. Must a school teacher.

What does he do for a living?

He is a MONK!! Of ¨theo-sophy¨! Sorry, WHAT?!

He and his order, search for god in a scientific manner.

Is he allowed to be here, on a date?! Is this NOT a date? Shit! Is he giving up god, for me?

Oh man! 20 million men in Spain. 50,000 in Granada. About 10,000 travel between Granada and Malaga for work every single day. And I find the one monk-guy who decided to take a day off on Sunday! Brilliant! I am Satan´s hand-maiden!

It´s fine. Am sensible and smart, woman of the world. Will definitely figure out a way to run away before he tries to convert me and makes me pay him for his monk-people. Mommy! Help!!

5:20pm
Been talking about the greater plan and constants in the universe and fulfilment of desires and human-will for the past 45 minutes. All I wanted was to see lovely grandchildren wearing racially non-evident clothing, playing along the banks of the river.

Would I like to see his lovely shared appartment that he shares with 5 other people?! Don´t think so…

5:35pm
Text from Lovely Philip.

“Hey! Am on 6pm bus, 6pm and 7pm sold out. 8pm looks like availability still.”

Are you kidding me? He was supposed to be my deaf-mute half-brother, who I had to rush to the hospital when it was time to run away.

Shit! Monk guy´s back from loo. Will just tell him I have to catch 6pm bus and that the next available tickets are only on 9pm (and after) buses. Perfect.

Monk guy´s looking worried. Apparently, 9pm and 10pm buses are always pre-booked. No chance of getting seats on those. He has tried before and never ever been successful.

Shit! Really scared now. If monk guy couldn´t get tickets with high connections from god and all, what chances do I have. Quick call to Philip. Nope! No chances of getting 6pm bus tickets as he is firmly seated and has no plans of getting out! It´s ok, will get to bus station in 30 minutes, book 8pm seat and be quickly rid of monk guy as well. All will be right with the world again.

5:45pm
Will now say bye to monk guy and start walking fast in the general direction of bus stop. Oh man! Monk guy can walk really fast and coming along to drop me off at the station! In a taxi! Fuck! Will now need to shell out for a taxi I don´t need to catch a bus for which I have no tickets! And have mildly stalker monk for a date!

5:55pm
Bus station. Maniac taxi driver. Wow! Good time.

Bloody Philip! If only he had bought my ticket, I could have been safe and on my way away from monk guy.

In the queue. Can probably still make it!

Shit! Man-boy crying. Can only understand “No bus! No bus!”.

Shit! Shit!! Shit!!! May-day! May-day!! I need my Dad! I am foreign. There has to be some sort of arrangement that could be made to get me out of here! I have a flight to catch tomorrow. I have a monk to run away from!! Daddy!

Text from Bloody Philip! Wondering why I couldn´t get a later bus (just let me get my hands on you boy!!!).

Because there aren´t any available! That´s why!!

Oh Shit! Man-boy´s still crying. I should console him. I should join him and start crying together so he doesn´t feel lonely. This is what you get for seducing monks.

6:03pm
At the counter… finally!

Please! I need to be in Malaga tonight. Are there any buses available at all? 6pm/ 7/ 8/ 9… I will take anything. I will stand, if that´s what it takes.

6pm all full! You can take 7pm!

Erm… Sorry! Say what?!

Brilliant! Have 1 ticket back to paradise on 7pm bus. Don´t feel strong urge to kill anyone anymore. Will text Philip in 10 minutes (while he keeps feeling guilty) and tell him, I found a bus and feign dignified anger. Will now pop down to the book counter and browse until ready to ride.

Shit! Philip´s behind me. And asking me in a very pissed way, “Purbasha! Are there any seats available? You told me there are no seats available. Are there any seats available?”. Shit! Feeling guilty now. Wish had texted him sooner.

Lovely Philip got off the bus to make sure I didn´t get left behind in crazy town. Wonder why he didn´t think I could take a train back though…

Shit! Fought with Philip! He has decided to storm off somewhere!

6:50pm
Oooo…. Philip´s bus is delayed. 6pm bus is still here. Wonder if he knows. Will quickly text him to tell him good news and he will be so grateful to catch his original bus, he will forget I almost made him miss it in the first place!

6pm bus just left the station, over an hour late! Hope Philip is on it. On the other hand, if he is not on it, serves him right! The bastard! Leaving me in crazy town with womanizing monks.

Really, really hope he is on it.

My bus is finally ready to leave too.

Between being constantly lost, missed tickets, late arrivals, sexually-forward monks and intense moments of wanting to kill Philip with the pointy end of my map, I am beginning to feel the strain of this relaxing trip.

Oh well! Back to work soon! Thankfully…

Tripping around Spain… (Day 3)

7:22am

Awake! Perfect! Will be ready and off to enjoy lovely Spain and amazing Seville in no time.

8:30am

Keys… check! Purse… check!! Map… check!!! I look fabulous… check check check!!!

8:32am

Shit! Stepped into something (which am hoping is just thick muddy water) and dropped map down the drain! Shit! No time to turn back and change.

No umbrella.

No map.

Late for 9am train.

Have wet socks!

I am fucked!

I hate Spain!

It´s ok. I am smart, intelligent, woman of the world. I can do anything.

8:45am

Shit! Shit!! Shit!!! Lost again!

Time to suck it up and ask for Spanish help. Oooo… lovely old grandma shaped lady with an umbrella…

P: “Skew-C…”

(Oh crap! Wrong language)

P: “Pear-don Sen-yora! Done-day es-taz lay es-tash-ee-on day auto-boos?” (Yo lady! Bus station?)

LL: E… Hablas Ingles?

(Being made to feel like a foreigner by a foreigner)

P: C Sen-yora! Bus station, pore fav-or? (Lady! Bus station…? Already?)

LL: Toe doe rectum!!!

(Shit! What?! Think just got called an ass-hole in foreign!)

P: Have-lar mass despatch-ee-o, pore fav-or… (grimace would just not turn into polite smile)

LL: Go straight. Go straight. Then station. No turn. Only straight straight.

(Ah! Todo rect-O = straight ahead)

Hmpf! Couldn’t say that to begin with? Made me feel like a complete idiot!

8:55am

Yes! Made it.

Cheated slightly by pushing ahead of fat man who was staring daggers at the time table and looked like someone who has issues with pretty much everyone.

Oh man! Lady at the counter “No Nintendo English!!!”. What´s wrong with people? Can´t even find the right page of my traveller´s guide to use the right phrase. Enter… DALOR… my lovely Danish knight in shiny raincoat! Wonderful wonderful Dalor with a wonderful wonderful accent… Who helped me buy my ticket to Seville… Who told me India is stunningly gorgeous (he probably meant Indians are stunningly gorgeous… his English grammar is probably not that great!)… And who I am meeting in Granada for coffee tomorrow. Yayyy! I love Spain!

(Must look up Denmark on the map tomorrow before running off to meet lovely helpful Dalor, so can sound extremely intelligent and smart when trying to look and sound impressive!!)

Bus smells faintly of garlic. Hmmm… Just realized, haven´t had chance to have breakfast yet. Great! Two and a half hours in garlic smelling bus… Hmmm… Could be worse.

(Shit! Shouldn´t have said that! Shouldn´t have said that!! Jinxed it!… Don´t ask!)

Gorgeous cathedral. Don´t go there! I mean seriously… Seen one. Seen them all! Hell, pits of fire, purgatory and all that is great. But cathedrals dont even bring along all that excitement of repetitive, eternal burning about them!

(Wasn´t it Voltaire who, when asked to pray before dying and shun Satan, said, “This is no time to make enemies my good man!”?)

Alcazar… Do go and see it. And avoid buying the travellers´trap that are those stupid foreign translated audiographs. Whosoever recorded them, throw rocks at him! That´s €3 I shall never see again.

Ok… Seriously hungry now. Tummy beginning to make un-lady-like noises.

Will pop-down into busy little tapas restaurant, Bogadita, and enjoy the flavour of Spain. Culture makes you feel so worldly… and wise!

Oooo…. Tram! Tram!! Tram!!!

Crap! Place looks packed with tourists! Damn! No real Spanish people… This is not right! Really really not right. There are entire legs of meat hanging precariously right on top of my head. The entire place smells of wet feet. I am still hungry after shovelling 3 plates of food. It´s pouring outside. And I am bloody miserable in my wet jeans! I hate Spain!!

And while I am experiencing “real” Spain, real Spanish people are at home, ordering Chinese food, watching American telly and staying dry while pointing at people coming out of Bogadita in torrential rain and yelling “Bloody tourists” in English!!!

Will now shell out €10 for 3 spoonfuls of food. Feeling wiser already!!

Will always keep in mind this experience, and only ever choose smart places to experience new culture.

Oh excellent! Starbucks and KFC… Prayers do come true. Of course, at €10 per trip to the Cathedral, they had bloody well better come true.

As a Thai friend of mine once said, “These bloody imperialists have taken away all our natural resources and local produce… All in the name of globalization.”

And as I relied to him, “Long live globalization for saving me from near starvation in 19 different foreign countries and atleast 3 times in India itself!”.

Hmmm…. Sated…

Feel much better now.

Will now walk back to the bus station as almost time to catch bus.

Crap! Didn´t calculate for time difference. Oh well. Have almost an entire hour to people-watch and learn new cultural differences.

Cute student type 1 o´clock! Hot middle-aged man… 3 o´clock! People watching´s fun! I love Spain!

Random middle-aged lady decides to sit a bit too close for comfort. It´s ok… It´s the continent. People have different views about personal space. Will be charming ambassador for two different countries and have wonderful chat with bus-stop stranger lady.

And will one day recall fondly about conversations with a lady-stranger at a Spanish bus-station…

Fuck! Can´t speak a word of English.

It´s ok. It´s OK. I am charming self and will now ensue one-to-one dance routine like conversation which can be enjoyed by all and sundry present at the station.

Poor lady! She is very very cold. I get it. I am very cold too lady.

She is trying to convince me very hard that she is cold. I am convinced. Afterall,  I am still wearing afore-mentioned wet socks and jeans!

She is now trying even harder to convince me by wrapping a shawl all over her face. Slightly amusing. But seriously, no need to convince me that hard lady! Trust me. My shoes aren´t dripping sweat!

She has now fished something out of her bag and put on my lap. And I, have a pair of damp pants on my lap. She then politely takes my hand and puts them on the said pants.

She was probably trying to say (and god I sincerely hope this is true) that she cleaned them and they just wouldn´t dry due to the cold. Either that, or that she was so cold, she peed her pants and she had to change out of them.

When in Spain, do some Spaniards… Not touch some stranger´s wet pants!

In any case, my bus is mercifully here. And I shall take everybody´s leave while I sleep through the bus trip and repress the memory of stranger´s wet pants on my lap.

And then, I shall burn my jeans!

Signing off!