Missing Half

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, does not exist anymore… Dead… in an accident, at child-birth… aborted?!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to carry on knowing that I am half-built… never to be whole… for the rest of my next 60 odd years… maybe more?

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, is a fool, or ill, or unwell, or lying unconscious somewhere?

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to live out the rest of my life knowing that the one I am meant to be with is too preoccupied with unthinking thoughts of me?

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, is already engaged to someone else… Married… in a relationship… with a man… is now a monk!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Am I meant to go on knowing that my “the-one”, chose differently, someone that was not meant to be… someone that is not me.

What if, the person I am “supposed” to be with, does not exist… never meant to be… never was… never will be!

What then? Who/ what completes me then?

Perhaps I shall make peace with the idea that I am, was and will always be complete. I was never waiting really… just hoping… to live out my life… in the company of one other complete person, just like me.


Nothing ever happens around me

Weekend. Saturday. And I am still in quarantine. Still got the lurgy. Meh! Another day of sitting by the window and making up games, maybe writing. Maybe drawing. At least, had Chris over last weekend. Even if had a bit of a domestic. Bickering really. He said something. Then I said something else. One thing led to another. Yelling happened. But don’t think anyone heard anything. Love these walls. Too thick when you want to eavesdrop. But also, too thin when you want to sleep. Bit of an agro happened and I am not sure who threw the first punch. Ok, so not quite a punch. More like a poke. Ok, a “few” pokes. Could have been me – I mean girls can be annoying too; girls can be anything. Go girl power. I was angry. I was sick. I was on antibiotics. Cranky as heck. I had an excuse. What was his excuse for acting like an idiot?

So much ado over so little. He said I should not be eating so much just because you are “supposed to” feed a cold. And I said he shouldn’t be calling me tubby when I am poorly. And, we were off. What an idiot. Well, at least by the end of it, he did admit he was wrong. But so much clean-up afterwards. I really wish all my fights weren’t so messy. Like literally. Things broken. Stuff leaking. No self control. Where do I find these guys? Oh wait! On tinder. Face-palm. So much to clean up. Every single time. So much paper towel. So many Marigolds. So many bin bags. So much environmental pollution from just a single stupid stupid fight. And time. So much wasted time. I wish I could find someone who can clean up after himself at the very least. Such an idiot. Well, haven’t heard from him in a week. I don’t care. If he does not wish to act like a grown up, I do not need him. I do not care about him. I do wish he would call. But that’s his problem. Another one scratched off the list. Whatever. Wish they didn’t all have to go the same way though. Makes me feel really sad at times.

But on the positive side, no weed-smoking smells in the house. Yay! Neighbours seem to have stopped smoking weed around the property. I was this close to going to have a word with the responsible neighbour. If, I knew who it was, that is. Well, call to the landlady helped. Happy days. No secondhand opiates being painfully inhaled.

Do I really like living here? Kinda do really I think. It’s pretty. And green. I like green. It’s quiet. And clean.

Really should do my dishes. Dishwasher seems to be getting quite full. And only 2 spoons in the drawer. Maybe order spoons over Amazon? Ok, stop. Just do the dishes after breakfast. Breakfast! Hungry. Smoothie? Oatmeals. Oatmeal smoothie. Class! Knives in the dishwasher. Nothing to chop apples. Knife too sticky to clean. Yuck. Meh! Apple-free smoothie then. Coffee. Coffee in oatmeal smoothie. Food hacked! Actually tastes kind of yucky. Likely will never make this concoction again. Ah well… First lesson of the day learned. Life hacked!

To the window with the smoothie we go. It tastes like mud, with coffee flavour. The smoothie. And the vegan protein powder is really doing nothing at all frankly to counter the taste of the soil. Maybe, the vegan protein powder IS the soil like texture? Oooo… who knew. Another big gulp. And gag.

Oooo… knock on the door. Delivery? This early in the morning? Go Amazon Prime! Maybe my sweeteners are here? I know, they are bad for your health (or so “facebook” says, but they are so yummy. Ok. Someone else opened the building door. And now there is talking in the corridor. Well, at least I don’t have to get out of my chair. Wow! Knocking on my door? What? At this hour? Dude! It’s 9:15 on a Saturday morning. Normal people are still sleeping. Hmmm… Police. Should I be asking to see ID? But I have no idea what to check for on the ID. What if they are murderers? Or serial killers? Or con-artists?

Focus Purbasha. They are talking to you.

She is so pretty. And smells so good. Ermmm…

No, don’t know anything about a serious disturbance in the neighbourhood. Unless you account for my upstairs neighbour playing single-shooter games too loudly on his PS/ X-Box.

Ha! Got a giggle all around. Cop distractingly pretty. There are two of them?! Did not notice the other one there at first. Weird. He should work as an undercover cop; no one sees him or takes notice of him. He is the background!

The background is politely nodding his head. Smiling quietly.

Sorry, what seems to be the matter? Someone make a complaint?

Damn she smells good. What is that perfume?

Yes, a bit of an incident in the neighbourhood. Nothing to worry about really. Thanks ma’am. Have a good weekend.

Next door.

Shut the door. That smell is stuck inside my nose now. Like cherry blossom. Should find that in a room freshener. Need to do groceries. Back to the mud-smoothie and my music. Listening to Coffee Prince album that I am properly addicted to now. I can’t seem to stop listening to it. Should I draw something? Should I go for a walk? Venture out for a 30 minute contact with humanity? Not expected to rain. Expected to get warmer later. More voices in the corridor. Police leaving the building. Pretty cop talking to someone out of view by the gate to property. Cops walking over to the next building. And I have nothing else to do today except figure out whether I wish to maybe infect the retired population of the area by going out for a walk right now. Or should I just stay indoors? Walking around the flat is getting dull as nobody’s business. Do you realise how tough it is to get to 7500 steps inside a 1BHK? Sigh!

Still more voices in the corridor. I thought the guys left. Back to the door.

So what happened really?

Video game playing neighbour and “lives diagonally across from me” neighbour here. Another 2nd floor neighbour on the stairs. Should really learn their names.

Apparently when they came to pick up the garbage on Friday, they were a few too many bags out back. The garbage truck guys got a bit annoyed with that. One of them dumped a bag a bit too hard and some ketch-up bottle or something cracked and caused a mess and a stench. They were not happy about it. Caused a racket. Had a fight with the landlady.

Seriously, where was I when all this drama was happening? Missed out on all the fun.

So the police got called.

Police think it might not have been a broken ketch up bottle.

Lives diagonally across from me whispers…

They were saying something about someone getting stabbed out back in the car park.

Yowza! Again, how do I miss out on all this? So unfair. Everyone has “wonder what happened” face. Polite eye-brow lifts and awkward half-smiles. And door is shut.

Back to my window. Now that I want a spot of drama, it’s perfectly quiet outside. No noises. No people. Not even a dog outside. So dull. I think I will just go clean the kitchen.

Kitchen looks clean. Maybe will just do the dishes. Oooo… spot on the floor by the fridge. Ketch-up? When did I buy ketch-up? Weird. Oooo… must add ketch-up to grocery list. Also kitchen roll. And bin bags. And maybe a better brand of disinfectant. This one doesn’t seem strong enough. And it’s weird using Domestos on the floors. Ok, time to do the dishes now. Running out of Marigolds. My life is just way too dull. Cold be gone… soon. Please…

Maybe I should go back on Tinder? I hear good things about OkCupid…